being honest about mental illness
Every so often I come back to bearblog with a new gripe, write fourty drafts, get annoyed at the words that I wrote myself. Or I just get distracted and don't write anything at all. I think in partial this is because I'm obsessive about the personas I create and the perception that they entail but in the end my neuroticism is more about the theoretical effects of things than their physical counterparts. That sentence won't make sense to me tomorrow morning, but it's 12:30am and I've ceased caring.
Recently my biggest lament is that being mentally ill is still something that holds stigma. I get that we've normalised depression and anxiety, and that ADHD and autism are things that "everybody has" (they don't, regardless of what popular culture wants to believe) and BPD is romanticisable, but that doesn't change the fact that all of these things still have their connotations. Regardless of whether or not my friends will support me, I'm aware that my saying I have something or struggle with something will forever change How they see me. I'm also very aware that this is an incredibly cynical and ironically, mentally unwell perspective to have, but since my brain is a beast that settles for nobody, let alone itself, I will continue to live this way. Even the people who know my diagnoses (2 people, genuinely), don't really know what parts of it impact me. I try and keep it that way, I don't mind it being that way, but still it piles up sometimes and no notebook is a suitable enough replacement for (TWILIGHT SPARKLE VOICE) the power of friendship!
So to get it out somewhere that, effectively, won't be seen by the friends I'm so worried about, I'll put it here. Where I have full control over it. Anonymously (enough).
I've been dissociating a crap ton recently. Less so in the last few days, but last week is a blur to me, both in the moment and in memory. I struggle with being myself sometimes, and I've been shutting down when it comes to applying my mental facilities to the real world. Not great during a massive period of study, but it's not like I haven't dealt with it before. My identity is also a continual mystery to me, though I could probably link it back to my obsession with how I'm percieved. At some points, I'm normal "me", and at others I'm "Rei", whose neurotic musings take over all my social media, or "mikaco", who should really get off the game and study.
I've become more and more obsessive about a lot of things. Compulsions are infamously illogical, but I tend to find that mine make less sense the longer I think about them. My hands can't touch anything I percieve as dirty before I sleep, things like my toothbrush, or anything around my bed that isn't in my bed (despite the fact that my phone, which is probably the dirtiest and most exposed of all my possessions is one of the last things I touch before I go to bed), lest I want to get up and wash them about fourty times. My feet shouldn't touch the floor of the house (even though I'm wearing slippers that exist in the same environment), if I make the wrong selection about what plushie I take outside (even though that's the last thing that should matter), or accessory I put on (this doesn't even have any logical value), or god forbid I wear the wrong perfume or worse, don't wear any at all, my day is going to be ruined and I will ruminate obsessively, to the point that I can feel physical sensations, until I get home. But naturally, it's all in my mind, and so this is my first time actually "telling anyone" about.. any of it. Cool and fun, right?
My ADHD has been terrible, but that's a constant in my life anyways. I can't focus on anything and because I have nobody around me to actually keep me on track aside from myself, my studies are currently with the dogs. Which sucks. I'm trying, but I wish I could "try harder." I should be taking my meds more, but the 4 hour time period makes me feel like I need to maximise my time because there's not enough, but simultaneously that I'm going to be experiencing the effects of my medication for too long for it to be reasonable to take. I've gotten distracted at least a couple times, even in writing this. Didn't realise I'd copy-pasted the first paragraph until I backread trying to get myself back on track.
...In all honesty, even writing it makes me feel a bit pompous. I fundamentally have to discount all of my struggles. I can't help it. I'll probably delete this tomorrow in a fit of embarrassment, and pray that too many people didn't see it.
Big love, Rei!
You can always find me at appletender(at)proton(dot)me